Pandemic
by moonupabove
Summary: Slight AU. The missionaries of District Nine face a mysterious pandemic, and must travel to find asylum. Told in a series of Kevin Price's journal entries. (Contains McPriceley and Cunnilungi.)
1. Entries 1-3

5/23

Day 1

Do I have to explain things to a notebook? I don't think so. I'm writing this to convince myself that this is real, this is actually happening, but that it'll be okay. I'm hoping.

We knew something was up after the third day of rain. Everything around Kampala was just too green. Pollen started to spread. People were getting sick. I mean, illness is pretty common around here. A large portion of the population around here has AIDS, so we really didn't think a whole lot of at first.

Arnold had picked up a paper from the bazaar and had Naba read it to us. This is happening world over. New York, London, Hong Kong, even Orlando. There are some dry, safe areas around. The nearest one to us is in South Africa. Connor, bless him, called a meeting earlier tonight to call for a course of action before one of us missionaries caught the virus. We have a couple of vans. Granted, they're in average condition and rusty, but we have enough space for us and the few villagers who haven't fallen ill.

Infected people are worn down, tired, miserable. It doesn't look like a pleasant way to die. There's no cure yet. It's like the victims are shutting down cell by cell.

We're leaving in the morning. Connor, Arnold, Naba, Mafala, Poptarts, Church and I will be in one van leading the way. Michaels, Zelder, Schrader, Neeley, Kalimba, and Gotswana will follow, carrying most of the supplies. We're hoping there'll be a flight to America from South Africa. There are some safe spaces in the States. All I've done since lights out is write while I stare at my packed bag and worry.

_Nothing tonight. I wonder if he even slept._

* * *

5/24

Day 2

We hit the road today. Connor woke us up at the crack of dawn and shooed us into our respective vans. I could tell he hadn't slept well, if at all. I didn't hear him in the middle of the night, and I didn't need to get up and console him. (Which I selfishly was disappointed by, but at least he didn't suffer for a night.)

Arnold crawled into the back space with Naba, and Mafala insisted on joining them. The happy couple didn't seem to mind, and all three of them were asleep before we were a mile out.

Poptarts and Church, who can read maps, decided to take the first driving shifts. Church waited until the other van was ready before taking off. Kampala looks like a rain forest, and the countryside was the same. We passed more medical camps than usual, all of them full and visibly chaotic.

Connor fell asleep after half an hour of fighting against it. I wrapped a spare blanket around him and told him I'd wake him when something came up. He thanked me and dozed off, lolling against the battered headrest. It didn't seem very restful. I waited until he was really out before tugging him over the lean on my (much more stable) shoulder. He stirred slightly, then nuzzled pretty damn endearingly into my neck and continued sleeping.

I caught Poptart's gaze in the mirror. He smiled, but also gave me something of a warning glance. When I started visiting Connor after his nightmares, Poptarts had pulled me aside for a chat. Initially I was worried he was jealous or suspicious, but he assured that he meant no ill will. He and Churcher had both tried to talk to him when their mission started and were both politely dismissed. Poptarts agreed to give me late-night room visiting rights as long as I made Connor happy. They're very close. (I'm glad Arnold and I have gotten like that, too.)

Poptarts told me to be gentle with him. He's a rather fragile person. Poptarts warned that after all Connor's been through, which seems to be a lot of hell and self-hatred, his heart would be easy to steal and easy to break. At the time, I saw any romantic involvement between the two of us preposterous. Over time, the line became rather blurred. (No kisses or confessions. More along the lines of unprotested touches and lingering glances.)

The roads are long and muddy. We looked for places to stay, but ended up just pulling into the bushes when it got too dark to see through the rain. We put up a tarp and started a fire for dinner. We all sat together and laughed and talked. There was still the weight of the situation, and I don't think any of us could really ignore it, but by the time we all went to bed, a weight had been lifted.

We decided on van sleeping arrangements as well. Naba and Arnold share the passenger seat (which means Mafala has to sleep at the wheel.) Church and Poptarts sleep in the back seats, leaving the Connor and I curled up together in the space behind.

The rain pounding the window is making me anxious, and my arm is falling asleep. I should turn in before I wake Connor.

_He only woke up slightly startled, thank Heavenly Father. I asked if he wanted to talk, but he didn't want to wake the others. I pulled him close to me and pretended not to notice the wetness on my chest._

* * *

5/26

Day 4

Letting Arnold drive yesterday was a mistake. He was extremely jumpy, and Church and Mafala both nearly popped veins trying to keep him on the right roads. He was a little shaken up afterwards. Naba only smiled and reminded him how sweet he is and how talented he is at storytelling. Arnold just adores her, and it's a great comfort to me that she returns his affection.

Church or I should really be the ones driving. I've always been a good driver, and Church essentially has our route memorized. (Connor doesn't have his license and refuses to break rules.) Poptarts is alright, but he gets distracted easily. Naba simply doesn't know how, and Mafala doesn't want to because of the weather. Poptarts almost took a turn yesterday that would've brought us to the Atlantic.

Kalimba is worried about all the medical camps, and their ratio to empty villages. Mafala and Connor are putting on calmness, but their nerves aren't hard to see. Mafala keeps looking at Naba with some premonition of dread, and Connor's dreams have taken a turn.

Insomnia was confirmed as a symptom. New information should be comforting, because we're learning about it, but it just makes me feel scared and paranoid. I'm not used to that.

Neeley drank rainwater before it was boiled. Gotswana made him vomit. Neeley was confused and agitated before Gotswana explained what he'd almost done. Neeley blanched, and didn't really speak for the rest of the day.

_I had to shake him awake before he made too much noise. He didn't want to look at me and didn't let me touch him. I knew better than to press it. He'll probably tell me in time._


	2. Entries 4-6

5/30

Day 8

There's something kind of beautiful about how green the world is right now. I made note of that to Connor during a quiet period of driving, while he faded in and out of sleep. He muttered he was "rather sick of it" and I laughed.

Arnold and Naba want to get married if we can get a plane to the states. Arnold asked me to be his best man, of course. I immediately agreed. The next person he roped into his grooms party was Connor. He seemed delighted. Naba is understandably sad, since her close friends are dying or dead back at the village. She's still overjoyed about having her father's blessing and Arnold's hand. She deserves to be happy the most out of all of us.

We've been on the road for a week now. Getting fuel has been easier than anticipated, since all the stations are unguarded and unchecked. Food was a little harder, but Mafala and Michaels know how to hunt and have kept us from getting too hungry. We have to cook meat until it's charred to keep any potential illness out. Considering the pandemic has claimed over a few million people so far, I'm not complaining.

The other night Connor was running his fingers through my hair and couldn't believe how clean it still was after a week without washing. I told him I couldn't believe how vibrant he still is after the week we've had. He didn't say anything, but kept smoothing my hair.

_This is the second night he hasn't slept. He told me he's scared._

* * *

6/2

Day 11

I don't know what country we're in. None of us thought it would take this long. I'm too nervous to ask.

We stopped in a larger town to check the news. Another million dead. They think they've picked out the strain. Patient Zero was someone in Brazil.

Connor finally got some sleep last night. He shivered a lot, and I nearly had to swaddle him to keep him warm. He voiced concern to Gotswana that he may have caught the virus. Gotswana said there was no event he could remember where Connor could've contracted it, and attributed Connor's symptoms to stress and messy sleeping patterns. That was a good enough explanation to mollify my worry, but Connor is terrified.

On one hand, he'd rather die than get one of us sick. He's so cautious around everyone now. (I had to promise to sanitize after touching him.) He's also afraid of death. Something about his upbringing inadvertently convinced him he's not getting a paradise planet. He thinks he's damned. Connor was doing really well, but now the concept of death being near has reminded him of that old fear.

I'm worried about my family. Somedays I'm near tears trying to accept that they might be dead. Other days I'm adamant they're alive. I wonder if they think about me. I'm sure they do. Letters would have arrived at the District yesterday. It hit me last night that the letter arriving at the empty mission house would be the last time they contact me. Something about that was very real, and I was beside myself. I hate being this upset. I'm glad Connor was asleep. I don't want him to see me cry.

_He slept straight through. I wanted to hold him, but I knew I'd wake him up._

* * *

6/5

Day 14

We might be halfway there. Only halfway. Heavenly Father have mercy.

Church took it upon himself to teach Naba how to drive. Poptarts was afraid the process would waste fuel, but she's a great pupil and learned quickly. Mafala joked she's better than him or Arnold. Everyone readily agreed. Arnold is proud of her, and she's proud she has him. It's cavity inducing.

Connor is sleeping more and more. He's been sleeping straight through his nightmares and naps during drives. I'm conflicted between relief and concern. Gotswana said he's likely catching up on years of lost sleep, but I should keep an eye on him regardless. I swear he was only awake two hours yesterday. As worried as that made me, he was really kitten-like and sweet. (Which, honestly, isn't very different from how he usually is. It was just in full swing.) While he was conscious, he told everyone in the van (drowsily) how great they are.

He told Poptarts what a great companion he is, and how much he values their friendship. He told Church how strong of a person he is, and told Mafala that he's incredibly wise and caring. Connor told Arnold that he turned everything around for them. Naba seemed flattered when he described how beautiful and talented she is. He drifted back to sleep before he could finish my first sentence. Church laughed and offered to "ice my bruised ego," and I joked that I might take him up on it.

I had to carry Connor to our nest in the back. Mafala and Kalimba made an excellent (Clean! Sterile!) vegetable soup. I put some in a thermos to save for Connor. Gotswana lead us in hymns. The fire was hot and the rain was a light mist. It would have been perfect with Connor and the other villagers there (and no disease), but it was a beautiful night regardless. We turned in when the rain started to pour again.

I need to thank Arnold for this journal. He gave it to me as a Christmas present. I'd never thought much about personal written reflection, but it's really keeping me grounded. (It's helping me keep track of Connor's dreams and sleep, too, which was harder to do before with scraps around the mission hut.)

Naba has a lovely voice. The way Arnold looks at her when she sings is just as gorgeous. I've heard them sing each other to sleep before. Connor has quite the voice too, from what I remember. He looks so happy when he performs.

_I sang to him tonight. He looked both content and anxious. I sang until the latter look went away._


	3. Entries 7-10

6/6

Day 15

There's a hole in the tarp. We found a patching kit in our supplies box and managed to fix it. No one will stand or sit near it, still.

Zelder and I are helping Arnold write his vows. Zelder is coaxing ideas out of him, while I try to keep them on the traditional side. (Leia isn't a good church-appropriate comparison. We went with "princess.")

Connor is very sure he's sick. He's only expressed that to Gotswana and me. (I think Mafala knows something's up, though. He keeps asking Connor how things are going.) Gotswana gave him a discreet check-up (with me present, of course) and didn't find anything glaringly wrong. Connor was pitiful. He could barely keep his eyes open during the physical. Gotswana's only explanation was chronic fatigue, which he said stress and lack of sleep can bring on. There's not much to be done for now.

We spent the day resting and hunting. I made sure Connor ate the leftover soup and told him to get some sleep, that I'd be there when the sun went down. He simply nodded and retreated to the van.

He feels like he's failing as a leader. I know him too well to think he feels otherwise. Mafala and I have done fine to cover for him, and the Elders still adore him. I think that makes him feel worse. He reminds me of Arnold that way. They're both out to prove something.

We'll be taking longer routes tomorrow to get around a massive death zone. Just over two weeks and it feels like we've been going in circles. It shouldn't be taking this long. If there aren't tickets to the US in South Africa I'll explode. I had to have Arnold talk me down and Naba reassure me we'll find a way home. I'm upset that I'm beginning to crack. Schrader has started having full-blown panic attacks, and Poptarts feels like his sister is haunting him. Kalimba dreams about her children. We need stability.

_I asked if I could hold him. He said please. His skin was cool and it felt nice and comfortable and _right_. I asked how he was feeling. He told me he felt safe at that moment, in my arms, and I started to cry. He stroked my face and gently hushed until I calmed down._

_I might love him. That's terrifying to me._

* * *

6/8

Day 17

We have to turn around. We have to head north. South Africa is no longer safe.

When Church and Naba broke the news, Kalimba and Michaels had to go be alone. I took a beat before bursting into tears. I think I've cried more in the past two weeks than I have in my entire life. (That's what it feels like, anyways.) Connor took my hand behind his back and told Church to map out a new route to the Nearest Safe Airport.

The Nearest Safe Airport is in fucking Egypt. Fifty million people are dead. They might have made a medical breakthrough, but nothing is for sure. I need to see my family. I wish I could sleep through all the driving. I'm sick of green.

_I refused to let go of him. My fear must be scaring him, because he said he hasn't seen me like this since I first came to Uganda._

* * *

6/11

Day 20

We couldn't afford to eat last night. It was raining too hard to go hunting. We almost got caught in a flood zone yesterday. Our vans got separated, and we were horrified that the other had gotten stuck or drowned. We found each other again at a nearby settlement. The relief was so tangible that nobody talked. We decided to spend the night there.

Naba talked about stopping at District Nine on the way, just to check in. Mafala shared a look with Connor and expressed that wouldn't be best. She didn't object, but took Arnold's hand and didn't let go of it for the rest of the day.

_He asked what we are, tonight. I shrugged and said it could be whatever. He got quiet, and I thought I'd hurt him. He have me a feather-light kiss and thanked me. I struggled to fight the knot in my throat._

* * *

6/12

Day 21

Church almost fell asleep at the wheel. Naba tutted and took over. Church was too drowsy to give coherent directions, so Poptarts had to translate his garble.

We left Botswana's borders today. It should take us about six days to get to Cairo, more with rest times. If Egypt is compromised I don't know what we'll do. There have been a few thousand more casualties from natural disasters, but there's a vaccine being circulated. We're keeping an eye out for Red Cross stations.

Zelder and Schrader got in an argument. Mormonism still runs strong in them, so it wasn't very intense, but Connor had to step in before any feelings got hurt. I think it was about whose turn it was to sleep shotgun. Our van's avoided these conflicts by keeping our arrangement the same.

We're hoping the rain lets up enough for us to drive faster than twenty miles an hour. Naba can't hardly stand it. She'd love American highways.

I made the mistake of asking Connor about home. (He sent them a coming out letter a few months ago. He was promptly disowned.) Connor shrugged and said he doesn't know where he'll go when we get back. He tried to look indifferent, but God did his eyes dim. Arnold said he could come with Naba, Mafala and him. Connor was so grateful he looked like he could cry. As much as I want to go home, I felt hurt. Arnold must've noticed. He pulled me aside later and said I was welcome to come along as well, that he wouldn't dream of putting out his best friend. I said I'd think about it.

_There was a lot of thunder tonight. I hate storms. I buried my face in his shoulder and focused on the vibrations from his breathing while he sang to me. He's the only one who knows._


	4. Entries 11-14

6/13

Day 22

Praise Heavenly Father with every praise there is. We found a bathhouse and a Red Cross station with vaccines. The needles were sterile, and they even gave Mafala and Gotswana AZT. Poptarts is terrified of needles, and Connor and Naba had to hold either of his hands when he got his shot. They checked us all for a circular rash that was associated with the virus. If we already had it, they couldn't risk permanently contaminating needles. (Connor didn't have it. I don't think he'll admit it, but Gotswana was just as relieved as I was.)

I've never enjoyed a shower so much in my life. Michaels was so happy I thought he'd never leave the bathhouse. Naba looks very different with her curls wet straight. Arnold kept curling her hair around his fingers.

We discussed looking for a closer airport now that we're vaccinated, but Gotswana was adamant we stick to our plan. No one really knows how effective the vaccine is, and any nearby airports are probably closed or being used for hospice. We still have to be careful.

The luck we had today got me to pray for the first time in weeks. I thanked Heavenly Father for the vaccines and bathhouse, for Arnold and Naba, for our teamwork. For Connor. I prayed for my family and safe transport home. I asked for a sign about what to do about moving back in with my family or moving with Arnold and the others. I asked for help getting Connor to love himself, or at least like himself a little more.

I must have been kneeling for an hour. Mafala found me and smiled fondly, telling me it was time for dinner. It reminded me so much of my dad I wanted to cry.

_I asked if I could look at his scars. He hesitated, then tugged off his shirt and waited, looking up at me with worried eyes. I forced tears away; this wasn't about me. I kissed every centimeter of healing tissue I could - all the jagged words and angry lines. I know he has more, but I didn't push it. I was halfway done when he started weeping. I pulled him into my lap and cradled him. I'm the only person he'll lean on._

* * *

6/14

Day 23

There are safe places in the States again. Naba wants to get married in Salt Lake City so badly I don't think a hundred pandemics could stop her. She talked to Connor about temples and rings yesterday. His mom's a jeweler, and he was more than happy to help. She's everybody's little sister.

They think the virus was triggered by pollution, and the atmosphere was so badly affected that it poured rain, which spread it rapidly. That should get funding to the environment awfully fast. They're having trouble cleaning water supplies and preventing disasters, but the worst of the disease seems to be over.

I told Arnold I'd be moving with him and the other three. Hopefully we'll stay close by and I can still see my family frequently. The thing is, and I explained this to him, these guys have really become my family. As much as I'll miss the other Elders, Arnold and Connor are (among other things) my best friends, and Naba and Magala have taught me an immeasurable amount. No way in the world am I going to lose that. Naba gave me a sweet kiss on the cheek and told me how glad she was that I'm joining them. Mafala looked at me with that same, fond, familiar smile. Connor pulled me aside before dinner and kissed me senseless. This is the right decision.

_He's deeply worried about his family. He feels selfish for not thinking about them until now. I told him it's alright, he's been stressed and busy, and that after the way they treated him, he has every right to forget._

_He showed me a fresh scar running from the first to second knuckle of his left thumb. He begged me not to be angry. I wasn't; just sad. I pressed it to my lips and told him next time to come and find me._

* * *

6/16

Day 25

I let Connor sleep in. He doesn't seem like he gets any rest. Gotswana says that's normal, but it kills me to see him so fatigued. But his eyes are still bright, and he still exudes optimism from his very pores.

Africa, from what we've gathered, is becoming less infected. We're about halfway to Cairo. It's still eerie to see all the evidence of population loss. Europe and Africa were hit the hardest. Casualties from weather don't seem to be slowing. (We're staying on our toes.) I've thanked Heavenly Father every hour for our good fortune.

Arnold is trying to figure out where we'll be staying in America while he tries to find residency for all of us. Naba says she doesn't mind, as long as she's will "her love Arnold, Baba, and her two sweet white boys." Arnold gets closer to pronouncing her name correctly every day. His vows are really coming along nicely. I'm so proud of him. Their happiness is providing us with some stability. We found a cheap but nice hotel in a town, and we'll stay here a couple nights and have a rest day. I'm incredibly excited to sleep in a real bed. For two whole nights!

_I expected sharing a real bed with him to be lovely and wonderful, yes. It was spacious and soft, dry and warm. We cranked the AC and stayed close the whole evening. I didn't expect to lose my virginity tonight. I don't think he did either. It was so seamless with everything. He bruised my skin with his mouth and I tasted almost every inch of him. My name sounds intoxicating when he says it. There were fumbles and pauses, but I couldn't have asked for anything better. I feel asleep listening to his heart beat._

* * *

6/17

Day 26

The hotel we're staying in is, for the most part, really nice. The windows don't open and the water still needs to be boiled if it's going to be drank, but the soft beds, cool air, and kind staff more than make up for it.

Connor was still pressed up against me and sleeping in the morning. I kissed his face until he woke up. He looked at me in a haze for a second before telling me how handsome and wonderful I am. I got my van love letter afterall. Someday I'll find time to tell him how beautiful and incredible he is. (Although, it might take eternity.)

The other missionaries had a pillow fight like the children they are last night. Arnold told me it almost got out of hand. I guess they had some stuff to work out.

I tried to use the hotel phone to call home. No one answered. I left a voicemail and convinced myself they were out. I don't want to think about it.

Arnold got in contact with his parents, though. They were relieved to hear from him. He told them as much as he could, including the news about Naba. He was so nervous, but they were ecstatic. He asked about my and Connor's families. Mine had left the state to lay low in Canada for a while, where it was safer. The McKinleys keep to themselves, so they couldn't be spoken for. As relieved as I was about my family, it was hard telling that to Connor. He just sort of nodded. Arnold's parents can't wait to see us. They'll take us in while we try to find separate housing. Arnold came away from the conversation looking moved.

Church's family in Provo wasn't so lucky. Both parents and his siblings have passed. We left him alone for a while. He said later he was satisfied his father is dead, and that the rest of them won't have to live in fear anymore. Connor and Poptarts sat with him and rested their hands on his shoulders while he prayed.

It might not be good to assume, but I'm all smiles that my family is safe. I tried to be less exuberant around Connor, but he told me seeing me happy makes him feel better.

Kalimba found work at the inn and has decided to stay. There were tears at the news, but she says she can't travel anymore. The staff have all taken a liking to her, and Kalimba is ready to start again. I gave her a long hug and thanked her before head back to my room for the night.

Connor was last to turn in for once. I think he's missing the stable days, when he would go and check in on everyone and say good night. Room by room, he wished everyone rest and lifted spirits. I don't think he notices, but I know for a fact they all appreciate it. More than they can say.

Connor asked how writing in this is. (He's out of a sterile shower and dozing in my lap and smells divine.) I told him it's a good outlet, that he should give it a try. He chuckled and said maybe, but he prefers talking to me, "as long as that's alright." I told him I'm always here, perhaps with more seriousness in my tone than intended. The mood shifted and he curled up with me on the couch and thanked me. I started writing when I thought he fell asleep. He just said that the sound of the pen is soothing.

_We did it again, figuring this would be our last opportunity for a long time. We switched positions. I could tell he was nervous, but enough touches and reassurances and wow did he impress. I'll miss this._


	5. Entries 15-19

6/18

Day 27

Leaving the luxuries of the hotel was hard. Saying our last goodbyes to Kalimba was harder. Naba has known her since she was a baby, and Kalimba babysat her after her mother died. Naba's farewell was the longest.

I thanked Kalimba again and told her to take care of herself. She smiled softly and told me to do the same.

As we hit the road again, Arnold, Naba, and Mafala all dozed off. (Connor was in the car and out cold after he said goodbye to Kalimba.) Connor and I were bundled in a comforter, him tucked into my side. Church gave me a look similar to the one Poptarts had given me when we first started out. He told me to take care of McKinley, just like he'd taken care of all of us. I promised I would, since he deserves no less. Church nodded, satisfied, and refocused on the wet roads ahead. We have about three more days until we get to Cairo. Hopefully, only four or five until we get to Salt Lake.

There was thunder and lightning today. I buried my face in Connor's hair and tried desperately not to flinch or yelp. I hope I looked like I was having a bad dream. I told Connor about it before we went to bed. He felt horribly guilty about not being awake for me. I said he needed the sleep; my childhood fears can go unattended.

I've been afraid of storms since I was young, I think. I was a very independent kid. I turned down babying and comfort and spent my time trying to impress. What I'd missed out on was a vital event in a child's life, where they wake up in the middle of the night to loud thunder and run crying in fear to their parents, who holds them in their lap and explains nothing is wrong, that they're safe and everything is alright. I never let myself do that, and I grew up with the fear so ingrained in me that I'm amazed I kept it together at all today. I still have that desperation to impress.

There were nights at the mission where wind rattled the windows and the thunder cracks were loud enough to shake the walls. Connor would find me in the storage closet, trying to muffle my whimpers and hide from the sound. He'd sit with me and let me cling to him while he sang and comforted me. I hope he knows how much he's helped me. If he doesn't, I'll be sure to tell him.

Naba woke up at a fuel station in a panic, realizing she doesn't have a wedding dress. I told her we'll have plenty of time to settle everything when we're in the States. She sighed and said she knows that, she just wants it to be perfect. I swore none of us would let anything less happen. She giggled and told me Arnold and Connor have made me "sweet as sugar." I think I blushed for the first time in years.

We didn't drive as long as we usually do. I offered to drive, but everyone in the other van is exhausted. Heavenly Father knows how badly we need to say together.

_He has 'He doesn't love you' carved on the inside of his right thigh. I didn't notice when we were at the hotel. He showed me tonight, saying he thinks I deserve to know. I assumed it was about Steve, to which he shook his head. It was like being punched in the stomach. I kissed him as softly as I could and told him it was alright, that I do love him and I'll never hurt him again, like I must've when I left. He told me he loved me too, and kissed me until he fell asleep._

* * *

6/19

Day 28

I think we're in Egypt, or close anyways. Any border patrol has dispersed. They think the disease death toll is higher than they thought. I refused to read the tally so far.

I finally got to drive. I have no clue how Church manages to keep track of where we are. It all looks the same. Poptarts and Connor had a nice talk behind us, from what I could hear. Poptarts, who has hovered around Connor almost as much as I have while he's been sick, is relieved about Connor's slow improvement. After his sister, he's adamant about keeping an eye on him.

Church has decided to come to Salt lake with the rest of us, since there's nothing left for him in Provo. That delighted both Connor and Poptarts.

We're seeing more and more people, but only slightly more. It's still sparse, either from death or displacement.

Naba might be more excited to get to Utah than anyone else. She had over ten drafts of her vows written. I read a few of them, and they're very beautiful. There's going to be a lot of crying at their wedding.

I've thought more about college. I want to help people. I might go into medicine. Connor seems pretty set on a performance BFA, and Naba wants to do something composition. She's very excited about college. I'm not sure what Arnold has in mind. Whatever he does will make people happy. That's what he was born to do.

_He was too excited to sleep, like I was. We talked until the sun rose. I remembered how I fell so hard for him._

* * *

6/20

Day 29

We drove into Cairo today. There's a lot of rebuilding going on. It's a comforting sight. We went straight to the airport. Business is slow, but not halted. Mafala asked for flights to America. The woman at the desk said there's a flight to Atlanta tomorrow afternoon. From there, we figure, we can catch a train. We scraped some money together and have plenty for tickets. We have very little luggage; just some extra clothes and blankets. So few people are flying, they're not going to bother charging.

I've never been more excited for an eleven hour flight.

_He wants to see his sister, at least. If she doesn't still love him, I'm afraid he'll fall apart. I said we'll find a way._

* * *

6/21

Day 30

We slept in, left the vans behind, and boarded. Some of the Elders seemed a little sad to leave Africa. This wasn't exactly what we thought the context would be. Gotswana and Mafala were quietly happy when the plane took off. Naba was only a bit sentimental; she didn't look away from her window until we were above the clouds.

Connor slept in stretches. He'd be awake for awhile and play with my hands, then be out cold the next minute. Gotswana says there'll be better opportunity to recover when we're home.

I went back and read older journal entries. It ended up stirring up a lot of bad memories, but I'm trying to remind myself that there are good ones in there too. The worst is over. I hope, I pray.

The updated death toll is supposedly staggering. Naba read it and burst into tears. I still refuse to read it, and I might try to keep Connor from seeing it. It's only been a month since this all started. I can't even begin to fathom what they did with all the bodies. People dropped like flies. They probably had to burn them all.

I can't wait to see my family. I want to play catch with Jack and Dad. I want to eat Mom's cooking and talk to Lily and Mary about everything.

We got to Atlanta late at night and managed to find space at a cheap motel. The staff here are anxious, even offering to let us stay for free. Connor insisted we give them something, even if it's just tips. Bless his heart. We still have enough for train tickets.

_I can't describe how good he feels. Around me, tight as a vise, in me, up against me. His skin and hair are so soft and his eyes are so bright. Everything feels okay when I'm with him. I can't imagine sleeping without him in my arms._

* * *

6/22

Day 31

Connor was gone when I woke up. He left a note on the pillow we shared saying he got up to go find tickets to Salt Lake with Mafala. I went and had breakfast with Arnold, showered, read more entries, and watched the news.

200 million people are dead. Worse than the Spanish Flu. It'll be more when they tally the disaster victims. When Connor came back I buried my head in his chest and didn't answer when he asked what was wrong. He told me that they found tickets to Chicago, where we'll pick up another line to Salt Lake. I was really thrilled, and tried to forget about the death toll.

Naba can hardly wait. Mafala told Arnold to make sure she gets some sleep, or at least some rest.

_He found out about the toll. As soon as he said he knew why I was upset earlier, I wrapped my arms around him and cried._


	6. Entries 20-21

(A/N: I seriously just typed this up out of the notebook it's in construction in and didn't proofread it, so I apologize in advance for any errors.)

6/23

Day 32

The train ride to Chicago wasn't as nice as we thought it would be. We had to look at a lot of washed-out neighborhoods and fresh, unmarked graves. I can't believe how lucky we've been. There's an unspoken tension in our train cabin stemming from our need to see our homes and families. Naba, Mafala, and Church are on standby to comfort and console. We hope they don't have to.

Connor was awake for the first four hours or so. He chatted warmly with us and ate well, which was good to see. Naba loved the train, and enjoyed most of the views despite all the carnage.

We got to the joint station and were ushered to our next train and invited to sleep until it left for Salt Lake. Naba and Arnold shared a cabin with Connor and me. We let them share the bottom bunk, and I crawled into the top one with Connor. He wanted to get up and go check on everyone, but he could barely walk to the next cabin and I told him we had at least one other night on the train for him to do that. Connor realized that would be his last "night-time check in" and, exhaustion being a factor, burst into tears. I tried my best to calm him down, but it hit him really hard. I let him get up and say goodnight to everyone. He's still Mother McKinley.

Connor came back and went through the motions with Arnold, very brotherly and sweet. He climbed up next to me and gave me the same, with a little alteration. Above that, he looked touched and there were traces of tears in his eyes. He's beginning to realize how much we love him. I pray tomorrow night hits it home.

The train starting startled him awake. He laughed at himself and kissed me all over my face. It's overwhelming, how happy he makes me.

* * *

6/24

Day 33

We rode through a lot of nothing. I hope that's not a new phenomena. I didn't want to get up this morning and clung to Connor like a security blanket. He eventually managed to peel away from me and kissed my nose, promising to bring me breakfast when he finished eating with Poptarts and Mafala. I dozed off again as soon as he left.

He was good on his word. He brought me eggs, toast, oatmeal, and coffee, of all things. During our "thank you" kiss, I tasted traces of donut glaze on his tongue and grinned. He always remembers.

I walked up and down our car and watched all of us laugh and talk together. We all exchanged contact information and, you know, we'll all be in the same city for a while, but this is really our last day as a mission group. I'm tearing up thinking about it. I completely understand why Connor (Mother McKinley) was so upset, especially since he's kept us together and safe all this time.

He took his time saying good night. During the day, all of us planned to tell him how much he means to us. I heard a lot of talking (and some silence as well) in the cabin next to us, where Church and Poptarts are staying. We'll always be close, I'm so sure of it.

He thanked Arnold for helping us turn things around, for giving him a new perspective, for being one of his closest friends, and for taking him in. Arnold, big softie that he is, froze up before he could deliver his rehearsed speech, then gave Connor one of his bear hugs and managed to get out something about how Connor made him feel welcome somewhere for the first time in his life. Connor nearly lost all his face there.

He turned to Naba, who shook her head because "I'm not one of you District Nine white boys," but she eventually relented and let him praise her for her compassion and kindness. She kissed his cheek and said she's looking forward to living with him. She expressed that they felt the two of us should be alone, and they left to stay with Mafala and Gotswana.

* * *

I want to write all of this down so I can never, ever forget it.

He stepped up close to me and tentatively laid his hands on my chest, and his breath hitched when I wrapped my arms around him like he'd never been held before. He closed his eyes and pressed his forehead to mine. He took a moment and then started.

"Elder Price, where do I begin?

"Everyone had heard so much about you. You were rumored to be like a reborn Joseph Smith - a perfect missionary. It sounds silly, but we waited for you like you were a savior. You were going to turn things around and be our saving grace. You came to the mission with Arnold and, gosh, you were so confused and flustered and gorgeous. We were bursting with joy. And sure, there was a definite aura that you felt superior and cheated, but I ignored that because you were going to fix everything.

"Part of it was selfish. I wanted to succeed and be the district leader of a successful mission, and maybe fix myself along the way.

"I'd made extra effort for this last half of my life because I thought I was working through a phase. I thought, you know, that if I made Heavenly Father happy enough with me, he would fix me. I stopped spending time with Steve, got good grades, and attended every church function. Still, every so often I'd 'slip up' and a boy would catch my eye, and every split second I let myself enjoy it turned into a scar later.

"You came and I knew it was trouble. Honestly, I swore if this mission didn't pull through and I didn't go home straight as an arrow, I'd sooner kill myself than face my family."

I was holding him tighter now, unable to break his gaze and stroking his cheek.

"I was so bitter when you ran off. When you had said you were 'feeling confused,' I got so excited. I thought maybe you were like me, that I could help cure you and you me. But our 'savior' left, and I felt abandoned. You saw the scars, I mean… I had started to hope you cared for me.

"Arnold saved our mission, in the end. He was our little brother. You changed, too. You had a new resolve, you were happier, and you convinced us to stay. I was kind of jealous. You were still a success.

"After Arnold started teaching, I finally figured out that my sexuality didn't need changing or fixing. It couldn't be done. What I had done over the years was turn it into more than just being closeted. I completely despised everything about myself.

"I came out to the elders and, praise Christ, they had changed and were warm and accepting. Poptarts was so happy for me. I remember you looking relieved. I thought, 'okay, now I'm alright with myself and everything is fine.'

"The nightmares didn't stop. The first night you came to me, I was so ashamed. I felt weak. But you didn't judge me or ask why I had it or tell me to just forget it. You got me to talk about it.

"We all got really close. I felt brave and wrote to my parents. You kept taking care of me."

I couldn't help but interrupt. "You helped us, too, Con. You kept us safe and organized. You made me feel better during all those stupid storms." I laughed. He slid his arms up around my neck and briefly kissed me. I gestured for him to continue.

"When my parents wrote back, I was devastated. I had gotten so cocky-"

"Hopeful."

"Hopeful. I had gotten so hopeful that when they disowned me, any bit of self-esteem I'd gained was gone. I loved my family so much, Kevin. All of my judgement got blurred and I was sure I'd never be loved or cared for. I-"

He bit his lip and struggled to continue. I held him against my shoulder and told him I knew, that it was okay, and then let him look at me again.

"You-you carried me to the hospital, Kevin. I woke up and saw you, with all that worry in your eyes, and I felt loved. And terribly guilty, but loved. And, God, when everyone came and talked to me, and Poptarts was beside himself and Arnold wouldn't let go of me, and Naba with her flowers-"

I had started to cry. I took his face in my hands. "You scared us so much, Connor, so much. I didn't know you were still struggling, I had no idea."

He shook his head and brushed away a few of my tears. "Please don't blame yourself. I didn't know either." He started to choke up and kissed me again. "I'll never scare you like that again, Kevin, I promise."

I nodded and squeezed him. He continued speaking.

"I told you things I never thought I'd tell anyone. I felt myself, cheesy as this is, falling in love. We got touchier and talked longer and I started to live for you, for awhile. I figured until I learned to live for myself I can live for someone else, so I lived for you."

I buried my head in his shoulder. I waited for him to continue, but he said he needed to do this looking at me. I moved so our noses just barely touched and managed a small smile.

"The night you told me we could be whatever, and I kissed you, and you didn't push me away, I felt like I was worth something. Or when you asked to see the scars I'd told you about, I was afraid you'd be disgusted. You kissed them, Kev, like you were healing them or that it was alright that they're there. I cried because I felt needed and cherished. You helped me feel _good_. Kevin Price, you have, and I cannot believe these words are leaving my mouth - You've done something incredible.

"I'm going to marry you." It came out as a needy, struck gasp. He looked stunned. We held each other tights and kept our mouths close. There's paradise when I'm with him.


	7. Entry 22

6/25

Day 34

We got very little sleep, but neither of us are tired. Everyone else is revived. We're in Salt Lake. They dropped us off at a station a couple miles away and shuttled us in. I thought it was funny our journey ended the same way it began. We could see Moroni still standing, which moved a few of us to tears. I've never seen Naba so happy, and Arnold was quick to show her and Mafala around.

I took Connor's hand and went to my house. There's a weird quiet over the city, but there was still some movement. No one gave the two of us a second glance. We even earned a few greetings. Some people recognized me and made promises to catch up.

My house is mostly just as I remembered it. The grass is a little long, and it needs to be repainted, but my heart soared at the sight of a car in the driveway. Connor offered to wait outside, but I needed him with me.

I knocked, and Jack answered the door. He squealed that "big brother's home" and jumped on me. I asked if they got my letter, and he said yes. (I had explained how I felt about Connor and religion. Judging by Jack's reaction, they weren't anything short of accepting. I have no clue how I got so lucky.)

My sisters came fast and fought over me. The oldest one, Lily, burst into tears. She said she was so relieved. I introduced them to Connor, and Lily hugged him tightly and thanked him for making me happy. He blushed and she giggled.

Dad and I hugged for what felt like hours. We've always been close. He said they were so worried, then they got the letter and had hope. They read it everyday since they came home from Canada. He was excited to meet Connor and shook his hand. Mom cried all over me (and Connor, too.) They insisted we stay the night. I explained the two of us were later going to move in with Arnold and Naba, but it was welcome news and they said they'd take care of us in the meantime.

My siblings fawned all over Connor. It was very sweet. I caught up with my parents and told them about the Book of Arnold and that he's engaged. I told them I want to marry Connor, and they're overjoyed. They're glad Connor is a "handsome, wholesome, American Mormon boy."

They explained that because of all the water concentration in the lake, many households left for safe havens in Canada. They'd gotten back a couple of weeks ago. They were devastated by all the bad news out of Africa.

We talked for about three hours. I said I had someplace to take Connor, then we'd be back for dinner. Dad let me borrow the car, convenient considering the McKinleys live on the other side of town from what Connor has told me.

Along the way we stopped at the Cunningham household to tell Arnold we'd be staying at my house. They all seemed like they were having a great time. Mafala and Mrs. Cunningham were cackling about something.

As we drove, I talked to Connor constantly to try and calm his nerves. I pointed out the temple I went to, our training center, my school. He seemed genuinely interested.

He saw his house and stopped me. I asked if he wanted me with him. He took my hand as an answer. Connor walked up to his door and knocked. A younger woman opened the door. Neither of us had any idea who she was. He asked if the McKinleys were around, and she smiled and said "You must be Jimmy," and went back inside to get something.

("Jimmy?" "It's my real first name. Well, James is, but Steve and dad always called me Jimmy and it got on my nerves. I go by my middle name." "I think it's cute.")

She came back with a letter, saying they'd moved after the outbreak, probably permanently. Connor thanked her profusely.

He read the letter on the way home, once silently to himself, and then out loud to me. His voiced started to crack, but I caught that his sister Grace had written it. She apologized time after time about her parent's actions. She said news from Africa broke their hearts. She had known he'd be alright, somehow. Their parents wanted to see him again, and hearing about all the death made them realize what they'd done. They're going to try and change their thinking until "they can see their baby boy again." She's try to write once she had an address. They love him and pray for him every night.

Connor was sobbing by the end of the letter. We waited outside my house in the car, stars shining, while he cried. When we got out I gave him a gentle kiss and told him he deserves to be loved.

My parents threw open the windows to welcome an incoming rainstorm. Connor was going to speak up for me, but I stopped him. I had to explain later they didn't know. Connor seemed touched that he was allowed to know.

He laughed as we squeezed into my old bed. "So, this is the bed the great Kevin Price grew up in?" Considering I've had the same mattress since middle school, he's not wrong. The storm started and Connor caressed and held me, singing and talking. He started singing the same thing I had sung to him on the road, some old love song. I heard his voice tremble towards the end, and I reached up to stroke his hair and told him how beautiful his voice is. He told me how much he loves me. If I had held him any tighter, I would have crushed him. It's nice to understand how Arnold and Naba feel.

_He had a nightmare. I don't think it was a hell dream, but he was pretty shaken up. I only caught some details when we talked about it; we were both drowsy, and Connor's memory waned pretty quickly. Nonetheless, it reminded me he's not out of the woods yet._


End file.
